Tag Archives: mom

Nipples, jellyfish & bellybuttons: a week with my family.

I’m officially back from vacation! I must say that between terrorizing my younger cousins and being terrorized by my cousins I’m ready for another vacation.

I’ll just highlight a few things about the trip. Let’s see, shall we do a list? Let’s do.

  • My cousin got third degree burns on his nipple. Apparently if you put salt & ice together, it burns your skin off?
  • That same cousin got stung by a jelly fish & I taught him how to pee on his sting.
  • J-Bird woke me up at 6 am to go bike riding on the island we were staying on.
  • My mom danced in front of God and everyone in a beachwear store. I’m pretty sure they considered kicking us out.
  • My brother’s girlfriend talked me into trying on ridiculous bathing suits while my mom danced.
  • A different cousin went off to get her bellybutton pierced. She’s only 15.
  • That same cousin spilled Cheeze-Itz all over my bedroom floor, so we had little orange crumbs everywhere like the entire week.
  • We visited the local aquarium. I petted a bamboo shark. I also yelled at a small Asian man in the cafe for not giving me a free refill on my drink.
  • During the family photo shoot, I fell off a stool & still have the bruise to show for it.
  • My mom & I purchased matching sweatshirts.
  • I called 911 on two guys that hit my mom’s car with fireworks on the 4th of July.

So there it is. My vacation, which I know is a stretch in the meaning of the word, in a nutshell. I go back to work today. Back to life. Back to reality.


Java Monster + Sketch Convienient Store = Death

I know, I know. In my last post I said I’d see you guys on Monday. It’s Tuesday. No, believe it or not, I did not get my days confused (yet) (this week). I was really bad sick yesterday though. I potentially had some sort of food/drink poisoning. Never, ever down a Java Monster in 30 minutes from a totally sketch convenient store if its the last one on the shelf. You’re welcome for that wise advice.

Anyway, this weekend was crazy awesome. We drove a few towns over on Sunday (2 hours away, I gave J-Bird a car concert the entire way, love you honey) for an art show & to see some family & friends we hadn’t seen in forever.

We visited with my mom & cousin for the first part of the day, which by the way, if you think I’m nuts, my mom is ten times nuttier. Ah, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. When we get together we’re like two very embarrassing peas in a pod for J-Bird. My cousin, Natalie, is my favorite, normal family member (on my side anyway) so its always a joy to see her.

We also met up with our favorite double date couple Haley & Justin for dindins. After that is when we drove home & I got sick & almost died. I’m feeling a little better today, butttttttttttt not much.

Oh, yes. A shout out to my best friend Bernard for graduating on Friday!! Congrats!

So, there’s my weekend in a nutshell. Hope everyone else had a terrific weekend/weekbeginning.


My mom got me out of jury duty like a boss.

As J-Bird & I were sitting in the floor in front of the couch the other day, he commented that he’d never been called for jury duty. Oh, I have, a few years ago. But, I got out of it. I commented nonchalantly. He laughed. You can’t just get out of jury duty. You’re such a liar.

You see, he does know me pretty well. He knows that I say crazy things all the time. This time, however, I was telling the truth. Back in college, I got the dreaded jury duty letter in the mail. I called my mom (of course, duh) to complain that I was wayyy too busy to do this whole jury duty thing, I had college to do.

Growing up, my mom was always the type of mom to write a note to get my brother & I out of everything. I know what you’re thinking: we should have taken on our own problems, my mom babied us (she did), whatever whatever, go ahead & cast your judgemental stares. Anyway, my mom asked me if I wanted her to write me a note to get out of jury duty. We laughed. We both knew she was joking, but only halfway. Then, we wondered if it would actually work.

I sent her the paper work & she wrote the note to the judge explaining that I was a very busy college student & would like to be excused from jury duty. A few days later, I received a letter in the mail telling me that I was excused. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried.

As for J-Bird, I think I’ve convinced him that they think he’s dead. Whoever they are.


I’m smuggling doughnuts in for grandma. I AM second favorite, after all.

Last night at 9:15, I got a panicked phone call from my younger brother, who lives in California, saying my grandma had been put in the hospital. I immediately asked the obvious questions, Why didn’t someone in North Carolina call me? Why is the kid that lives clear across the country calling to tell me this? What’s going on? My brother was getting his info from a text message sent by a cousin. Damn. My family has communication issues.

At 9:45 I had contacted my mom at her work to make sure she was in the know. She wasn’t. She flipped. My mom has 2 sisters, neither of which had called her at work. When she finally got ahold of one of them we found out that my grandma’s health had rapidly declined over the past few hours & they had taken her to the hospital because she could not breathe. Later that evening she was diagnosed with emphysema.

It had been a long time coming, I suppose. Grandma had smoked for…well, forever. Over the past few years she’d been having a lot of trouble getting around & breathing, but she wouldn’t stop smoking. What is emphysema exactly? I wasn’t 100% sure, so Wikipedia & I got together for coffee around midnight, long after I’d told my managers I wouldn’t be at work today, I had to go see my grandma 3 hours away. Emphysema is a long-term, progressive disease of the lungs that primarily causes shortness of breath. In people with emphysema, the tissues necessary to support the physical shape and function of the lungs are destroyed.”-straight from Wiki. Can’t be cured. Can’t be reversed. We can only make her time here more comfortable.

I left my house at 7:00 this morning to go see my grandma. I didn’t know what to expect when I got to the hospital, but I knew I had to do one thing: cheer her up. After all, out of 8 grandchildren & 2 great-grandchildren, I am the second favorite. 3 hours later, I had picked my mom up at her house & was getting some yellow roses at Lowe’s. Yellow roses are Grandma’s favorite. That’s when I saw the doughnuts. She loves the chocolate covered ones with the creme in the middle. I grabbed a doughnut to smuggle in to the hospital.

I’m always one to be slightly intimidated by hospitals, but never one to let it show. I walked into the room & was heartbroken at the sight of my grandma, pale, covered with tubes & bags & needles…but I didn’t let that slow me down. I sat the roses down, told her the room needed to be brightened. She was thrilled to see me, apparently no one had told her I was in town. I asked her if she’d eaten. She mumbled No. I smiled, I brought something to make you feel better. What kind of diet do they have you on? She shook her head. None really. They told me to eat whatever I wanted, they just can’t get me to eat that’s the problem. I pulled out the doughnut. I thought she was going to leap out of bed & take my arm off.

2 bites into the doughnut, a nurse comes in to check her blood sugar. Fat chance! Grandma glared at her. Well, you can prick my finger on that hand, but I ain’t putting down this doughnut, I don’t care what you say!

The rest of the day I spent mostly wondering when they were going to kick our family out of the hospital for…well, being us. To sum it up, my mom flirted with a doctor, my mom tried to get me a date with one of the cafeteria workers (& he may have asked me out), we ate ice cream out of a vending machine in the hallway (wtf?), my crazy great-aunt called me old then wandered around looking for jobs & I stalked a hot male nurse.


I’m oatmeal, not black velvet, apparently.

My mom showed up for a surprise visit around 12:30 yesterday afternoon. After showing her around my house (she’s never been here, never seen it), we headed over to Rite Aid to get my crazy meds filled (fine, my migraine meds).

Mom wanted to head to Applebee’s for lunch, so we headed over there to get some omnoms. Mom proceeded to dance in her seat to every song that came on & to flirt with our waiter…typical. Good thing the restaurant was mostly empty by that time of the day because while she’s a bit of a public dancer…I’m a singer. Yep. Terrible at it, but I’ll do it. Loud & proud & not just in the car.

We went to Target because Mom insisted I help her pick out a new pair of shoes. We have quite different fashion tastes though. While she was over on the tennis shoe aisle, I yelled from the next aisle over, How do you feel about coral colored sandals? They’re only $14.99! Ohhhhhh!!! These flats sparkle & so will you!  Upon meeting in the middle, I told her not to pick anything that was going to make her look 50 or older, so we settled on a simple pair of white flats that we figured would go with anything. She was so excited she made me rip the tags off as we were walking back out to the car so she could put them on before we got to JCPenney.

Last stop. JCPenney. This is when I realized I didn’t own any normal colored panty hose. I own 2 black pair, a grey pair, a pink pair, & a purple pair. I don’t think I’ve ever even bought a skin colored pair, so I was sort of lost. Mom, what do these colors mean? The names don’t make sense. Am I black velvet or smokey? The sizes are even confusing. Am I short or queen? My mom gives me that look. The look only a mother can give. Well, you’re not black, so let’s not buy you black velvet anything. I’d say you’re oatmeal or bone. I’d also pick up the package to look at the size chart, but queen sounds like a nice way of saying huge. I picked up the oatmeal & the bone package. The bone looked vampire white, so I went with the oatmeal. I am oatmeal colored. Good to know. I also fall into neither short or queen size, but average. What?! How boring is that? Average oatmeal?

After feeling boring, I bought a bright orange pencil skirt to liven my life.

Live bright, not average.


It was one of those days where I said things like “flask my bobble”.

Actually, it was one of those weekends. This was the longest weekend ever. Mostly because of work. You see, I only work part-time at the dress shop, but I got in a lot of hours over the weekend. Which, I’m happy about, but I’d forgotten what it was like to work like a normal human being. Now I am tiiiiirrreed. Our store was insanely busy & people can be insanely rude. It can also just be difficult to keep your mood up when dealing with said customers.

Yesterday, I worked 8.5 hours & came home to crash out for a really long time. When I awoke, I felt like I’d been drinking for a really long time & I didn’t entirely know where I was. Today, I accidentally stayed an hour over my shift at work without realizing it until I arrived home.

I’m rounding out the weekend with a Sunday night marathon of Storage Wars when my mom calls to tell me she’s coming over tomorrow for a surprise visit. See, my mom lives 3 hours away & just got a new car last week. She’s super pumped to show me her car & we haven’t seen each other since Christmas, so it looks like instead of taking the day off tomorrow, I’m hanging with the mom. Also, giving her directions, a total nightmare. Well, after all the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, I AM the worst with directions, well maybe just a close second to her.

Also, I’ve had too many cookies & brownies today. I’d tell you how many, but I’m a little embarrassed. At least I managed to squeeze a real meal in there of pasta. So ha.


My parents think they’re awesome…(which could be argued)

Yesterday my dad drove 3 hours to see me just so we could hang out (he considered it my “birthday weekend”). With him he brought: Donna (the girlfriend), my grandmother, a giftcard & a cake. Not too shabby. It did turn into a crazy day. More on that in a few.

You see, my parents weren’t the parents that separated when I was 10, then had a crazy custody battle & whatnot. Nope. Not mine. They separated when I was 23. The problem? They acted like I was 10. Let me explain. They constanly try to outdo each other for my attention, one up each other on everything. They do this in the way they talk & what they physically get me for holidays & birthdays.

On my birthday, I recieved a card from Mom with 2 gift cards in it, each worth $25. I immediately called & thanked her. Her response? Well what did your father get you? That’s when I had to break the news to her. He’s actually coming to see me on Saturday. I don’t think we’re really doing much, ya know, just going out to eat & stuff. I could hear her breathing become more intense. WHAT? HE’S COMING TO SEE YOU? When did this get planned? Well, you know I don’t have the money to come see you this year or I would have come on your birthday. Saturday isn’t even your birthday. It’s always like this. I’m used to it by now.

Yesterday, as Dad arrived with the gang in tow, he handed me a gift card for $50 & my grandmother had baked the cake. I thanked them, then suggested we go eat. The problem is, I live in the city & Saturdays around here get kinda crazy, so as soon as we took off we realized that traffic was going to be terrible. The first place we tried, no parking. The second place? Dad’s GPS took us to a non-exsistent building. Then it almost drove us right through the Container Store (at which point I’m like, wait, they have a freaking store just for containers…is that true…? Maybe I should get out more.). We then ended up at the mall. We drove around for over an hour looking for parking. The mall is a masterpiece of mazes built of parking decks & too-tiny parking spots. Its a wonder people don’t die there daily. It was like WWIII up in that parking deck over some parking spots, I kid you not. I was trying not to look around too much for fear of seeing small children getting run over. The crazy part about where we live, too, is that its a mix of college students & the ederly so nobody can freaking drive.

We ended up at the food court eating cheeseburgers at Andy’s. They’ve got the best burgers & the cashiers were twins, I’m pretty sure. The only sucky part was that they were handing out balloons…oh yea, you guys don’t know yet. I’ll do a post. I have a fear of balloons. That’s all I’ll say for now. Hehehe. As we’re walking around the mall, my dad & I were talking & he actually used the phrase “for realsies” in a conversation. I do not know who taught him this phrase, but it was not I. Well, FINE. It could have been me. Then we had a 10 minute conversation about sparkly shoes…wait, did I miss something, dad?

Last night, Mom texted me, of course, to see how things had went with Dad. I told her only alright & he got me a gift card. She made me promise to call today with the specifics. She then ended the conversation with “HOLLA”. Do I even know these people anymore? I really have tainted them. Hey, I have a younger brother, it could also be him…

Until next time.


My Mom was a Dance Mom before it was cool.

In light of yesterday’s post & last night being the season premire of Dance Mom season 2, I decided to do a throwback post…from my childhood…from the 90’s.

So, yes I took ballet & tap. I did the whole sequined, frilly outfits with too much make-up & big hair thing. My mom did the crazy dance mom, yelling & screaming thing. She even got my pictures taken in full costume before every recital. There were, of course, a few problems with all of this: I had the memory span of a goldfish (thus I never knew the routine), I was painfully shy, & I would have rather been playing in mud-puddles.

I would get up on stage & attempt to do the things that the other girls did…failing miserably. I just went along with it. I never really complained because I was a pretty chill kid. I also had an older cousin (that I aspired to be like) that had taken the same classes & went on to be in beauty pageants. I just thought that was where I was supposed to go. Who I was supposed to be.

Then came the day of the hula outfit. I was wearing only the bikini top & bottom with the little grass skirt & a flower in my hair. I was 4 years old. My tummy? Freezing. My hair? Big. In the way. I was pissed. I walk out on stage, can’t remember the routine, am humiliated, so I stand there crying my eyes out smearing my make-up everywhere while all the other little girls dance. WORST 4 MINUTES EVER.

The turning point of this story? Right as I walk off stage, I tell my mom that I don’t want to dance anymore. And that was that. I never attended another dance class in my life.

So, the question is, where do we draw the line? What is good parental encouragement verses borderline abuse? Does our society know the difference?

Happy debating!