I’m oatmeal, not black velvet, apparently.

My mom showed up for a surprise visit around 12:30 yesterday afternoon. After showing her around my house (she’s never been here, never seen it), we headed over to Rite Aid to get my crazy meds filled (fine, my migraine meds).

Mom wanted to head to Applebee’s for lunch, so we headed over there to get some omnoms. Mom proceeded to dance in her seat to every song that came on & to flirt with our waiter…typical. Good thing the restaurant was mostly empty by that time of the day because while she’s a bit of a public dancer…I’m a singer. Yep. Terrible at it, but I’ll do it. Loud & proud & not just in the car.

We went to Target because Mom insisted I help her pick out a new pair of shoes. We have quite different fashion tastes though. While she was over on the tennis shoe aisle, I yelled from the next aisle over, How do you feel about coral colored sandals? They’re only $14.99! Ohhhhhh!!! These flats sparkle & so will you!  Upon meeting in the middle, I told her not to pick anything that was going to make her look 50 or older, so we settled on a simple pair of white flats that we figured would go with anything. She was so excited she made me rip the tags off as we were walking back out to the car so she could put them on before we got to JCPenney.

Last stop. JCPenney. This is when I realized I didn’t own any normal colored panty hose. I own 2 black pair, a grey pair, a pink pair, & a purple pair. I don’t think I’ve ever even bought a skin colored pair, so I was sort of lost. Mom, what do these colors mean? The names don’t make sense. Am I black velvet or smokey? The sizes are even confusing. Am I short or queen? My mom gives me that look. The look only a mother can give. Well, you’re not black, so let’s not buy you black velvet anything. I’d say you’re oatmeal or bone. I’d also pick up the package to look at the size chart, but queen sounds like a nice way of saying huge. I picked up the oatmeal & the bone package. The bone looked vampire white, so I went with the oatmeal. I am oatmeal colored. Good to know. I also fall into neither short or queen size, but average. What?! How boring is that? Average oatmeal?

After feeling boring, I bought a bright orange pencil skirt to liven my life.

Live bright, not average.



7 thoughts on “I’m oatmeal, not black velvet, apparently.

  1. Ok this totally had me laughing. I’ve done all of the above so many times! Public dancing? Oh yes. Public singing? Oh yes yes! Ripping tags off of new shoes to wear immediately? Triple yes! I don’t know about the average oatmeal thing though, I don’t wear pantyhose at all because they are just too annoying.

    1. Good to know my mom & I aren’t the only ones. Panty hose are annoying…only reason I wear them is to look professional at work (read: like I showered & care). Also, if they’re black, I can go for exactly 8 days without shaving & no one knows.

      1. Ohh yes, I know the whole “I’m going to look like I shaved when I didn’t” trick. I used to do that then I just resorted to pants. Plus, I live in FL. It’s too hot here.

  2. Not that I have any practical experience with pantyhose… but any mention of Black Velvet makes me think of that early 90’s song. At least oatmeal is nutritious not faux sultry/ creepy.

    And if you’re coming up with names… “pasty” or “anemic” are always fun. I’m sure ladies would love to wear those colors. “That dress looks great and your legs look so anemic!”

    1. Now that I think about it, black velvet DOES sound kinda creepy. I like the way oatmeal smells. I suppose that somehow helps?

      Also, please tell me I read that right: “…your legs look so anemic!” That’s terrific! Good thing the roomie is on spring break (I’m so jealous…) otherwise, he’d have heard me laughing.

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