Monthly Archives: January 2012

If its written in gold, there goes your dignity.

While on my morning commute to work (yea I’m totally one of those people), I was behind a hearse. Yea, like the car that carries dead people. How creepy is that?! Whatever, I thought so. I could see the top of the coffin peeking over the window out the back of the car at me. The window had “dignity” written in an ugly serif typeface in gold. Yea, that poor person in the coffin just lost all theirs. Aren’t there supposed to be curtains on those windows? WHERE THE HELL WERE THE CURTAINS? So, even worse than being physically behind the hearse was the song that was playing:

“Maybe tomorrow the good lord will take you away?” Just great. Is this some kind of a joke or bad omen or something? Well, Jesus, Karma, Zeus, Mel Gibson, whoever is in charge of this shindig, please don’t take me away. I thought that all of this meant I was going to have a crap day at work, but it went ok.

I mean, what could have really gone wrong when I was wearing my pink feather earrings & sparkly blazer??


The flowers are confused. Polar bears are dying. Welcome to global warming.

If you’ve dropped by my handy “about me” section (and actually read it, oh you haven’t? shame on you!), then you’ve seen that I’m interested in photography. Yea I guess I consider myself a photographer of sorts, I mean I worked at a photography studio for 6 months & I’ve photographed a wedding, but its more like a side hobby. I don’t claim to be terrific at it, but I love it.

Around here (here being North Carolina), we’ve had a mild winter. Actually, I don’t even think you can call it winter. I mean, it only barely reaches below freezing in the dead of night & I haven’t had to scrape frost off my car not once. Actually, most days, the high is in the 50s or 60s. On Wednesday (which, in case you do not have a calendar handy, let me help you out, that’s Feb. 1st.), the high here is 72 degrees. Seriously? Alright. Its Spring. I called it. The birds are a chirping, the flowers a blooming & there are bees already out. Thank you global warming. You have officially killed Winter, you murderer. Anyway, I don’t know where all my readers live so I figured you guys needed pics for proof. You’re welcome.



My parents think they’re awesome…(which could be argued)

Yesterday my dad drove 3 hours to see me just so we could hang out (he considered it my “birthday weekend”). With him he brought: Donna (the girlfriend), my grandmother, a giftcard & a cake. Not too shabby. It did turn into a crazy day. More on that in a few.

You see, my parents weren’t the parents that separated when I was 10, then had a crazy custody battle & whatnot. Nope. Not mine. They separated when I was 23. The problem? They acted like I was 10. Let me explain. They constanly try to outdo each other for my attention, one up each other on everything. They do this in the way they talk & what they physically get me for holidays & birthdays.

On my birthday, I recieved a card from Mom with 2 gift cards in it, each worth $25. I immediately called & thanked her. Her response? Well what did your father get you? That’s when I had to break the news to her. He’s actually coming to see me on Saturday. I don’t think we’re really doing much, ya know, just going out to eat & stuff. I could hear her breathing become more intense. WHAT? HE’S COMING TO SEE YOU? When did this get planned? Well, you know I don’t have the money to come see you this year or I would have come on your birthday. Saturday isn’t even your birthday. It’s always like this. I’m used to it by now.

Yesterday, as Dad arrived with the gang in tow, he handed me a gift card for $50 & my grandmother had baked the cake. I thanked them, then suggested we go eat. The problem is, I live in the city & Saturdays around here get kinda crazy, so as soon as we took off we realized that traffic was going to be terrible. The first place we tried, no parking. The second place? Dad’s GPS took us to a non-exsistent building. Then it almost drove us right through the Container Store (at which point I’m like, wait, they have a freaking store just for containers…is that true…? Maybe I should get out more.). We then ended up at the mall. We drove around for over an hour looking for parking. The mall is a masterpiece of mazes built of parking decks & too-tiny parking spots. Its a wonder people don’t die there daily. It was like WWIII up in that parking deck over some parking spots, I kid you not. I was trying not to look around too much for fear of seeing small children getting run over. The crazy part about where we live, too, is that its a mix of college students & the ederly so nobody can freaking drive.

We ended up at the food court eating cheeseburgers at Andy’s. They’ve got the best burgers & the cashiers were twins, I’m pretty sure. The only sucky part was that they were handing out balloons…oh yea, you guys don’t know yet. I’ll do a post. I have a fear of balloons. That’s all I’ll say for now. Hehehe. As we’re walking around the mall, my dad & I were talking & he actually used the phrase “for realsies” in a conversation. I do not know who taught him this phrase, but it was not I. Well, FINE. It could have been me. Then we had a 10 minute conversation about sparkly shoes…wait, did I miss something, dad?

Last night, Mom texted me, of course, to see how things had went with Dad. I told her only alright & he got me a gift card. She made me promise to call today with the specifics. She then ended the conversation with “HOLLA”. Do I even know these people anymore? I really have tainted them. Hey, I have a younger brother, it could also be him…

Until next time.


Pinky: The tale of a turquoise bike

One of my favorite other blogs to read recently did a post about the ghetto (read, which inspired me to tell you guys about my own run-in with the ghetto. While I was still in college, I lived (with J-brid) in a tiny apartment about a half a mile away from campus. The people beside me were in a band, the little asian girls that lived above us eventually burned their apartment down & people were always breaking into the pool area at 2 am to have parties. Occasionally, there were gunshots. The carwash up the street always had black Escalades with tinted windows parked there. Yes, we were indeed in the ghetto.

I used to ride my bike that I lovingly named Pinky to school everyday. I had to park Pinky outside my apartment, but I chained her up to the railing, oh I dunno, 4 feet from my front door. She had a little registration tag on her so that she could also be parked on campus without being towed? or whatever they do to unregistered bikes.

The morning that Pinky went missing, I was supposed to have a meeting with the chancellor’s wife, so I had on my best outfit. That’s when I noticed…Pinky was gone. J-bird & I decided before the meeting (we had like 2 hours) we’d go to the on-campus security office to report her as missing. They told us to call the police. We called the police. They told us to call campus security. You get the idea. I was given the run-around. Bummed that Pinky may be gone forever, we began walking to my meeting, as J-bird yelled, There! Over there she is! I immediately looked up to see a young thug in a blue jacket riding my Pinky down the road! I dailed the police back as we took off running. I’m pursuing the bike suspect on foot! I yelled to cop.

We followed the thug all the way to the library (yea exactly where I’d go too with a stolen bike) where we watched him chain it to a tree. The cops then met us there to get a full description of the suspect. Then we had to wait 2 hours while they searched the library for the thug to arrest him…yes. Over a bike. Yes, I missed my meeting, having to send a classmate in my place.

Turns out the thug was a 12 year old child…that just wanted a bike. Nonetheless, Pinky went back home with me that day & we happily spent the rest of the school year together. Then, I moved to another ghetto.

Stay safe out there.


The fourth anniversary of my 21st birthday.

Today is, as you may have guessed, my birthday! In honor of that, today’s post will highlight my craziest birthday, most memorable birthday, the weirdest thing I ever bought while drunk on my birthday, & what I really want for my birthday this year. Here we go!!!

1. My Craziest Birthday EVVERR. This one requires a little background info to make sense (& still probably won’t make that much sense). So, in high school, I had this BFF (yea, we all went there, had that) & we did everything together. I know, in hindsight, super cheesy. But, our birthdays were only a few weeks apart, so for like 4 years we picked a Saturday between our birthdays & threw a party together for all of our friends. I know, could I possibly get any more Disney movie cheesy right now? Its literally like I turned into a character from Hannah Montana. Anyway, for our 15th birthday, our parents agreed to let us rent out a nearby club to have our party there. Yea you heard me right. We were turning 15. I know, I know, I wouldn’t let my child do it either, over my dead body, so on & so forth. IHAVENOIDEAWHATMYPARENTSWERETHINKING. So yea, we rented the entire place out, dressed in clothes that we probably shouldn’t have been wearing at that age & put on our makeup too heavily…& danced. With boys. I know. I have no idea how I didn’t turn out to be a stripper, either.

2. Most Memorable Birthday! So, this one’s just as cheesified as the first, but doesn’t involve the word “stripper” so that’s a step in the right direction. When I turned 12, the Backstreet Boys were the coolest boy band around (well if you were a pre-teen chick that didn’t like N’Sync). It just so happened that they were going to be in the city an hour away from where we were living at the time on the night of my birthday. My parents literally may have done business with coke dealers to get us tickets to this freaking show. But, they got the tickets & we had amazing seats & I was excited for months. So, even though I am no longer a fan (and my fandom only lasted as long as my excitement), it was a very memorable birthday for me & always will be.

3. The Weirdest Thing I Ever Bought While Drunk On My Birthday…was a birdcage. But, in my defense, it was supposed to be decorative, I think. I dunno. I get up to the cashier & she askes me what kind of bird I have…I’m like I don’t have a bird! She’s looking at me like I’ve lost it & I look over & J-bird is walking out the door. That’s how most of our shopping trips end though.

4. What I REALLY Want For My Birthday This Year.

Or really anything with glitter on it. Or just a tub of glitter. I’m quite simple really.


Urgent Care: Ghetto Edition, Rims Included

If you’ve been keeping up with my twitter updates, you know I’ve been sick. It all started Thursday morning with a stuffy nose, body aches, fever…you know, the works. Since my job doesn’t allow for me to call out, I went to work. Thursday, Friday & Saturday. By Saturday evening I was convinced I had something worse than the common cold like cancer. Or strep throat.

So, J-bird & I sat out to find the only urgent care open after I got off work Saturday evening. In the middle of the ghetto. It was in the same building as a store that sold rims. Yes, as in RIMS TO GO ON THE TIRES OF YOUR CADILLAC. It was pouring down rain as we ran into the building with a neon sign flashing “open”. The girl at the front look pissed we were there, but she asked how I was doing. Seriously? How the hell do you think I’m doing, bimbo? Fanflippintastic. Anyway, I filled out the paperwork as the girl joked around with some guy behind the glass. They were laughing loudly and having a terrific time. The nurse called me back (yes, we were the only people there) after only a few minutes. The nurse looked to be younger than me…by a few years. Making her what? 20?

Anyway, I told her my symptoms, she told me they’d do a few tests & the doctor would tell me the results. They took us to the examination room…which looked like it was straight from one of the Saw movies. And to make matters worse? The walls were poop green. I mean, who choose that color? They couldn’t just go with light grey or something? They had to do a pee test, which is the worst. I pee’d halfway in the cup, halfway all over my hand in this tiny little shithole bathroom. Then I forgot what the nurse told me what to do with the cup when I was finished, so I wondered around the hallways looking for her, carrying my own pee. When I couldn’t find her anywhere (or anyone, for that matter), I was pretty sure we were about to be murdered, so I went to find J-bird. He gives me his blank stare, Why are you carrying your pee? I shrug. I can’t find the nurse and I don’t know what she told me to do with it. I mean, there was a table near the bathroom, was I supposed to leave it there? Now he’s giving me his crazy look. Well it depends on the kind of table it was. Did it have a lamp & flowers on it or did it have like medical stuff on it? I think I have a migraine. Does this look like a flower-&-lamp kinda place to you? Here. Take my pee back over there. I’m too weak to walk. He doesn’t move. I’m not touching that cup.

About that time, the nurse reappears from killing other patients to test the pee & swab me for strep. The doctor walks in a few minutes later, pokes me…then says I have a sinus infection. Sure, if he says so. I’m on antibiotics & the road to recovery. Oh, & now I know where to get some sweet rims for my ride.


J-bird parties like a rockstar…at an interview.

Yesterday, J-bird had a pretty major interview with a company for a well paying position. As you know from previous posts, we’re poor…thus we sharesies a car. So, I drove him out to his interview & parked in front of this plain looking brick building with tinted windows. I told J-bird I would sit in the car & wait for him-I mean how long could it take, 20, 30 minutes max? WRONG!!

2 Hours later-I’m watching birds fly by my window, dozing off, watching men in business suits walk in & out of the building, watching the sun set, starting to worry J-bird has been kidnapped by aliens when the passenger door opens & J-bird hops in like nothing has happened. Me? Well I have the nose of a bloodhound. Sniff. Sniff. Glare. Sniff. J-bird starts to fiddle with his laptop case. It was the CEO’s birthday. They gave me free beer. Glare. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have been more shocked had he come back with a third arm growing out of his neck. You did what at your interview? He’s still kinda just looking down as he says, They gave me beer & let me party with them. It was fun. What the hell? I sat in the car for 2 hours while he partied with what could have been his future employer?! He better get that damn job.

It was a long ride home.


If only I were that easy. I mean it, if only it were that easy.

Ever since I graduated from college almost 2 years ago, I’ve progressively gotten more poor, thus becoming more frugal & less of a shopper. I’m always looking for a great deal, as both J-bird & I only work part time jobs & well we’re on the verge of poverty. Neither of us made that step that you’re supposed to make into adulthood where you find the job that you spent like 6 years in school for & make like a million dollars a year. Or, at the very least $30,000. We don’t ask for much, eh? Anyway, we still love window shopping, & one of our favorite places to go is TJMaxx. The unique shit, cheap prices…it just draws us RIGHT IN every time.

The other night, as we were browsing around, I saw a set of lamps that we didn’t need but I really wanted. J-bird immediately asked the price. Its only $40 for the set! I said, excited, thinking it was a good deal. When he looked at me like I had three heads I said, Do you think I could haggle the price down?

His response? If you flash the cashier, I’m leaving you.

It pains me how well he knows me sometimes.


Grandma wouldn’t have approved of that.

As I was sweeping the stairs yesterday, I got to thinking about the very first time I got to explore the big old house I live in. It was a rather dark day several years ago, back when J-bird & I were still in college. We had gotten word earlier that week that his grandmother had passed away. So, we made the trek across part of the state for the funeral & upon arriving fashionably late to the church, we were asked to head over to the house to help clean it out afterward.

I had no idea that if we’d have flash forwarded a few years later I’d be living in that very same house, freezing my ass off every night with no heat & stuggling to survive with a roommate, but nonetheless, back to the real story. The thing is, J-bird has a normal family. I mean, I’m always the one with the crazy family drama going on…not him, but he has a crazy uncle. Yep, sure does. This is the story of my very first encounter with his crazy uncle. As I’m helping clean out the house, J-bird’s crazy uncle stops me on the stairs as no one else is around & askes a fairly normal question, Do you smoke? Naturally, I assumed he meant cigarettes, so I shook my head to which he replied, But I have the good stuff, are you sure?

It was at that moment I realized exactly WHAT he was talking about. I ran down the stairs, out of the house & grabbed J-bird to tell him it was time to leave. He didn’t understand until the ride home. I mean, really? I’m the one with abnormal family, but his uncle goes around asking people to get high after grandma’s funeral…IN HER OLD HOUSE. Terrific.

Ah, in-laws.