Tag Archives: humor

A whore, a latina, a theater major, a black girl & a potentially gay guy all walk into a bar…

Oh, wait. Those are all my ex or current roommates. And there are more to come as soon as Nick moves out this summer. I decided to make you guys a list of all my past roommates (& the one current one) so you can see that I have about a 50/50 shot of getting a good roommate as my next one. You see, they haven’t all been bad. Believe it or not, I’ve actually liked a few of them. So, now, one of my favsies things, a list:

1. Dina, The Whore. I don’t normally call people mean names (ok, maybe I do), but I only call it as I see it. This chick was craycray. She was my roomie my freshman year of college. The first night in the dorms, she had let a few of her “friends” borrow her keys to come to our room to use her bed for sex…at 3 am. They stumbled in, sat on my bed (which was closest to the door) and nearly gave me a heart attack. I completely freaked out & told them to get out immediately. Other episodes include, but are not limited to: finding Dina a few doors down passed out missing her shoe, giving her endless advice on lingerie, & hearing all about the drama between boyfriend number 1 (in New York, at home) & boyfriend number 2 (in college).

2. Emilia, The Latina. Emilia moved in a mere week after Dina moved out. I didn’t know what to expect from her, but she seemed sooo much nicer than Dina I was super excited to see if we’d become friends. Thankfully, we did. In fact, we became very best friends. We went everywhere together, did everything together. We’d stay up late & gossip about boys (I was still very single & ready to mingle at the time & had my eyes set on my figure drawing model, but I’ll save that story for another blog post) & watching episodes of Sex & the City. When summer came, we went our separate ways, even crying as we said our goodbyes & unfortunately never really spoke again.

3. Melissa, The Black Girl. We lived together for a mere 2 weeks the beginning of my Sophomore year of college. I suppose I really was that bad to live with. We got along alright, hell, the night before she moved out she invited me out with pizza with her friends because my boyfriend & I had just broken up. The very next day, though, I came back from class & all her stuff was gone. Just like that. Never to be heard from again.

4. Naomi, The Theater Major. Thing is, I hate living alone, so once Melissa was gone I was on the hunt for a new roomie. 2 weeks after she’d moved out, a cool girl named Naomi came knocking at my door. She moved in the next day. Thing is, we were both artsy, so we had an understanding of each other, which was nice, but we never became good friends, which was also nice. We were just that terrific middle ground. We could go have lunch, then enjoy a quite evening in the dorm room together without feeling obligated to talk to one another. I lived with Naomi until I started dating J-Bird & moved in with him.

5. Nick, The Potentially Gay Guy. Here’s the thing. I poke fun of Nick a lot. Mostly because I do not like living with a roomie at this point in my life. I also just generally do not particularly like him. I mean, isn’t he too old for guy sleepovers at this point? And they’re always so loud. Also, just as a disclaimer, I do not actually think he is gay, nor do I have an issue with gay people. Just sayin’. He also parks his car in such a way that I can’t really get my car out because his car will not fit into his carport because of his foosball table. Yea, so there’s that. He never does his dishes & I’m pretty sure he’s gonna burn the house down one day trying to use the oven. We share the kitchen.

So, if I’m figuring this up right, the next roomie should be pretty top-notch, right? I don’t need a new freaking best friend forever. I need a decent human being that might want to have a board game night with us once a month & likes Harry Potter. Geez, is that too much to ask for?!

I’ll keep you guys posted foshizzle.


Things I’d do for $1000. Disclaimer: this could get ugly.

Yesterday as I was sitting in the parking lot waiting for J-bird to get off work, listening to the radio, they said Be the 20th caller to win $1000!!. So I picked up my cell phone & started dailing. When J-bird got to the car 15 minutes later, I was still dailing. I handed the phone to him & told him to keep dailing. He was confused, I told him we were going to win money. Well, sorry to disappoint, we didn’t win the money, but it did spark the conversation for today’s blog post: what I would do for $1000. We decided to make a list.

  1. Dial a number 200 times.
  2. Eat 100 chicken wings in one sitting. Within an hour.
  3. Shave my head. (But then I’d go buy a wig with my winnings…or J-bird said keep the hair & glue it onto a hat)
  4. Get “thug life” tattooed on my ankle. Sorry, ankle is as hardcore as I’d go for $1000.
  5. Wear butter instead of deodorant for 2 days.
  6. Spend the night in a coffin (above ground…hey this isn’t a million dollars we’re talking about).
  7. Drink a bottle of hot sauce.
  8. Eat a peanut butter & jelly sandwich. So, for most of you, this makes no sense. You may do this occasionally for lunch. But I hate peanut butter with a passion, so this would be HUGE for me. Actually, I’m not sure I could do this without throwing up. This is the hardest one on the list, by far.
  9. Slash my roommate’s tires. Actually, I may just do this anyway. No payment necessary.
  10. Watch all the Twilight movies in a row. Actually, might have to bump it up to $1500 for this one.

How desparate are you for money nowadays? What would you do for $1000?


The fourth anniversary of my 21st birthday.

Today is, as you may have guessed, my birthday! In honor of that, today’s post will highlight my craziest birthday, most memorable birthday, the weirdest thing I ever bought while drunk on my birthday, & what I really want for my birthday this year. Here we go!!!

1. My Craziest Birthday EVVERR. This one requires a little background info to make sense (& still probably won’t make that much sense). So, in high school, I had this BFF (yea, we all went there, had that) & we did everything together. I know, in hindsight, super cheesy. But, our birthdays were only a few weeks apart, so for like 4 years we picked a Saturday between our birthdays & threw a party together for all of our friends. I know, could I possibly get any more Disney movie cheesy right now? Its literally like I turned into a character from Hannah Montana. Anyway, for our 15th birthday, our parents agreed to let us rent out a nearby club to have our party there. Yea you heard me right. We were turning 15. I know, I know, I wouldn’t let my child do it either, over my dead body, so on & so forth. IHAVENOIDEAWHATMYPARENTSWERETHINKING. So yea, we rented the entire place out, dressed in clothes that we probably shouldn’t have been wearing at that age & put on our makeup too heavily…& danced. With boys. I know. I have no idea how I didn’t turn out to be a stripper, either.

2. Most Memorable Birthday! So, this one’s just as cheesified as the first, but doesn’t involve the word “stripper” so that’s a step in the right direction. When I turned 12, the Backstreet Boys were the coolest boy band around (well if you were a pre-teen chick that didn’t like N’Sync). It just so happened that they were going to be in the city an hour away from where we were living at the time on the night of my birthday. My parents literally may have done business with coke dealers to get us tickets to this freaking show. But, they got the tickets & we had amazing seats & I was excited for months. So, even though I am no longer a fan (and my fandom only lasted as long as my excitement), it was a very memorable birthday for me & always will be.

3. The Weirdest Thing I Ever Bought While Drunk On My Birthday…was a birdcage. But, in my defense, it was supposed to be decorative, I think. I dunno. I get up to the cashier & she askes me what kind of bird I have…I’m like I don’t have a bird! She’s looking at me like I’ve lost it & I look over & J-bird is walking out the door. That’s how most of our shopping trips end though.

4. What I REALLY Want For My Birthday This Year.

Or really anything with glitter on it. Or just a tub of glitter. I’m quite simple really.


My Mom was a Dance Mom before it was cool.

In light of yesterday’s post & last night being the season premire of Dance Mom season 2, I decided to do a throwback post…from my childhood…from the 90’s.

So, yes I took ballet & tap. I did the whole sequined, frilly outfits with too much make-up & big hair thing. My mom did the crazy dance mom, yelling & screaming thing. She even got my pictures taken in full costume before every recital. There were, of course, a few problems with all of this: I had the memory span of a goldfish (thus I never knew the routine), I was painfully shy, & I would have rather been playing in mud-puddles.

I would get up on stage & attempt to do the things that the other girls did…failing miserably. I just went along with it. I never really complained because I was a pretty chill kid. I also had an older cousin (that I aspired to be like) that had taken the same classes & went on to be in beauty pageants. I just thought that was where I was supposed to go. Who I was supposed to be.

Then came the day of the hula outfit. I was wearing only the bikini top & bottom with the little grass skirt & a flower in my hair. I was 4 years old. My tummy? Freezing. My hair? Big. In the way. I was pissed. I walk out on stage, can’t remember the routine, am humiliated, so I stand there crying my eyes out smearing my make-up everywhere while all the other little girls dance. WORST 4 MINUTES EVER.

The turning point of this story? Right as I walk off stage, I tell my mom that I don’t want to dance anymore. And that was that. I never attended another dance class in my life.

So, the question is, where do we draw the line? What is good parental encouragement verses borderline abuse? Does our society know the difference?

Happy debating!