Tag Archives: traffic

Your moronic white person is showing.

I was involved in a high speed chase earlier this week. Ok, OK. I use “involved” loosely. Watch-it-go-down-as-I-was-on-the-interstate is more of an accurate description of the situation at hand. Before I get to exactly what happened, let me just say I do not condone running from the cops in any way, shape or form. You will get caught. Especially if you do it all wrong, like this person did. 

Now, a list of all the dumbass things this person did while running from the cops:

1) It was 4:45 pm. That means we were just way too close to 5:00 traffic. C’mon. You can’t run properly if you’re stuck in traffic like the rest of us. He had to drive in the emergency lane and everyone knows that’s where all the fender benders are parked. JESUS.

2) He was in a hunter green Mini Cooper. Yea, that’s a little wee british car there, mate. Meant for city driving and parallel parking, not speeding off from the cops. IT DIDN’T EVEN HAVE RACING STRIPES.

3) He gave up too easily. I actually saw the guy get caught about a football length in front of me. AT LEAST LET THEM BREAK OUT THE SPIKES. You went through all this trouble, after all. You’re already going to the slammer, douche.

4) He was white. No, I’m not racial profiling. White people cause issues just as much as all the other races. That’s not what I mean. He was A SCRAWNY NERD WHITE DUDE WEARING LOAFERS. That’s what I mean. At least try to look badass. Mess your hair up or something.

Guys, seriously, this guy caused traffic to be backed up and he didn’t even give us a good show. Learn your lesson here today. Don’t run from the cops. And if you do, do it the right way.



My parents think they’re awesome…(which could be argued)

Yesterday my dad drove 3 hours to see me just so we could hang out (he considered it my “birthday weekend”). With him he brought: Donna (the girlfriend), my grandmother, a giftcard & a cake. Not too shabby. It did turn into a crazy day. More on that in a few.

You see, my parents weren’t the parents that separated when I was 10, then had a crazy custody battle & whatnot. Nope. Not mine. They separated when I was 23. The problem? They acted like I was 10. Let me explain. They constanly try to outdo each other for my attention, one up each other on everything. They do this in the way they talk & what they physically get me for holidays & birthdays.

On my birthday, I recieved a card from Mom with 2 gift cards in it, each worth $25. I immediately called & thanked her. Her response? Well what did your father get you? That’s when I had to break the news to her. He’s actually coming to see me on Saturday. I don’t think we’re really doing much, ya know, just going out to eat & stuff. I could hear her breathing become more intense. WHAT? HE’S COMING TO SEE YOU? When did this get planned? Well, you know I don’t have the money to come see you this year or I would have come on your birthday. Saturday isn’t even your birthday. It’s always like this. I’m used to it by now.

Yesterday, as Dad arrived with the gang in tow, he handed me a gift card for $50 & my grandmother had baked the cake. I thanked them, then suggested we go eat. The problem is, I live in the city & Saturdays around here get kinda crazy, so as soon as we took off we realized that traffic was going to be terrible. The first place we tried, no parking. The second place? Dad’s GPS took us to a non-exsistent building. Then it almost drove us right through the Container Store (at which point I’m like, wait, they have a freaking store just for containers…is that true…? Maybe I should get out more.). We then ended up at the mall. We drove around for over an hour looking for parking. The mall is a masterpiece of mazes built of parking decks & too-tiny parking spots. Its a wonder people don’t die there daily. It was like WWIII up in that parking deck over some parking spots, I kid you not. I was trying not to look around too much for fear of seeing small children getting run over. The crazy part about where we live, too, is that its a mix of college students & the ederly so nobody can freaking drive.

We ended up at the food court eating cheeseburgers at Andy’s. They’ve got the best burgers & the cashiers were twins, I’m pretty sure. The only sucky part was that they were handing out balloons…oh yea, you guys don’t know yet. I’ll do a post. I have a fear of balloons. That’s all I’ll say for now. Hehehe. As we’re walking around the mall, my dad & I were talking & he actually used the phrase “for realsies” in a conversation. I do not know who taught him this phrase, but it was not I. Well, FINE. It could have been me. Then we had a 10 minute conversation about sparkly shoes…wait, did I miss something, dad?

Last night, Mom texted me, of course, to see how things had went with Dad. I told her only alright & he got me a gift card. She made me promise to call today with the specifics. She then ended the conversation with “HOLLA”. Do I even know these people anymore? I really have tainted them. Hey, I have a younger brother, it could also be him…

Until next time.