I was involved in a high speed chase earlier this week. Ok, OK. I use “involved” loosely. Watch-it-go-down-as-I-was-on-the-interstate is more of an accurate description of the situation at hand. Before I get to exactly what happened, let me just say I do not condone running from the cops in any way, shape or form. You will get caught. Especially if you do it all wrong, like this person did.
Now, a list of all the dumbass things this person did while running from the cops:
1) It was 4:45 pm. That means we were just way too close to 5:00 traffic. C’mon. You can’t run properly if you’re stuck in traffic like the rest of us. He had to drive in the emergency lane and everyone knows that’s where all the fender benders are parked. JESUS.
2) He was in a hunter green Mini Cooper. Yea, that’s a little wee british car there, mate. Meant for city driving and parallel parking, not speeding off from the cops. IT DIDN’T EVEN HAVE RACING STRIPES.
3) He gave up too easily. I actually saw the guy get caught about a football length in front of me. AT LEAST LET THEM BREAK OUT THE SPIKES. You went through all this trouble, after all. You’re already going to the slammer, douche.
4) He was white. No, I’m not racial profiling. White people cause issues just as much as all the other races. That’s not what I mean. He was A SCRAWNY NERD WHITE DUDE WEARING LOAFERS. That’s what I mean. At least try to look badass. Mess your hair up or something.
Guys, seriously, this guy caused traffic to be backed up and he didn’t even give us a good show. Learn your lesson here today. Don’t run from the cops. And if you do, do it the right way.