Tag Archives: adult

Childhood Demons

I’ve always just assumed I would die young. I said to her, laughing nervously. I always laugh in awkward situations. When did you start feeling that way? She glared at me, writing.

I don’t know. I shrugged. I guess I came to that conclusion because I was a very sickly child. I missed a lot of school, had a lot of fears…so I just figured that would lead to an early death…my voice trailed off. What kinds of sicknesses or fears did you have? She pushed her glasses up on her nose.

I was curled up on her couch, hugging a pillow as if I were still 6 years old trying to figure it all out. I always thought my house was burning down or there was a tornado coming. I thought that if I sat up all night, I could keep myself and my brother from dying. I guess I had childhood insomnia, but my parents didn’t notice. She shifted in her chair. Those are logical for small children. The difference is that you had to take care of and become independent so quickly that you felt that you held a responsibility in being the protector. I nodded.

I had issues with my ears growing up which led to 2 surgeries and with allergies, sinuses, that sort of thing. I also seemed to get the stomach flu alot. When I was 15, I found out I had kidney stones. It just seemed like I was never in school. My parents smoked around me and we had cats. She sighed. That probably explains it. The smoking. Children don’t do well around parents that smoke and it can affect their health dramatically.

So I’m not going to die young? I didn’t laugh this time.

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The grass isn’t always greener…

I have what I like to call the “grass is greener syndrome”. Meaning? I always think the grass is greener on the other side or that things or going to be better if I change something or if such & such happens differently.

I don’t know how I developed this syndrome. It’s the reason I’ve moved around a lot & switched jobs a lot in my adult life. I always seem to think that if things start going badly, I want to remove myself from the situation. Thing is, I can’t figure out if this is a good or a bad thing. Am I running from my problems or simply trying to create a better life for myself?

I’ve come to discover that about 95% of the time, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I hit the brick wall & I’m back to square one. What a vicious cycle.

I’m trying to do things differently this time, though. I really wanted to move out of the house we’re currently renting because we’ve had a lot of various problems, but we recently decided we’re staying in the house (infinitely) to fix it up. I just hope I can find peace & happiness with this decision.

Still struggling with the job thing…I’ll keep you posted.

Until next time.

BrennaG.